Tips for Deflecting Unwanted Attention as Adoptive Families
Not too long ago, my Black child and my White self were out in public at a grocery store. A stranger walked up to us and asked loudly, “Is he adopted?” I turned to look at my pre-teen child and paused. Years of experience had taught me to answer: “We are actually pretty private about our family story.” As we walked away, my child said, “I should have just told them, ‘Nope. I am not adopted. She’s just my off-brand bodyguard.’
We both erupted in laughter. I haven’t stopped chuckling about it since. That took lots of years of practice, and it’s taken our family time to learn to:
Communicate quickly with each other both verbally and non-verbally.
Deflect intrusive questions from strangers.
And
Connect with each other after these public moments that highlight our family’s differences and differentness.
The humor was just a bonus.
Transracially adoptive families often navigate unexpected attention and questions from others. Some of these approaches are innocent and well-intended, but some are not. Handling sudden inquiries is one of many skills transracially adoptive families need to develop.
To do this, transracially adoptive parents need to practice talking about race and adoption. We ourselves need to develop skills to be able to think and ask about our children’s needs, and then act in a protective manner about both of these sensitive and powerful subjects.
Many families I know have signals or cues they use to communicate quietly when a child wants their parent to either speak up in response to an intrusive question or just get the heck out of there. Other families use hand squeezes or code words. I know one family that hums the tune to Bonnie Raitt’s “Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About” when one of them feels an intrusive gaze.
I often suggest that parents sit with kids and plan ahead for how to handle these situations. The conversation may go something like “So, sometimes we both know that people get curious about our family and they ask pretty personal questions. It’s not my favorite thing and I wonder how you feel when that happens?’ Or ‘I have been wondering if you want me to answer the questions, or let people know that those questions aren’t okay? I would like to follow your lead because your privacy is really important to me.’
Then together you and your child can decide how to respond to public inquiries. This helps reassure your child that they have control over their story and that they don’t owe curious people a version of it. Especially with younger children, adoptive parents sometimes overshare because they don’t want to appear rude when they steer away from seemingly well-intended people in public. I often remind adoptive parents to imagine their young child as a teenager when the question is asked... if you wouldn’t say it in front of a teenager, then here’s a gentle nudge not to say it over the heads of younger children either.
Enlisting your child in problem-solving, helps them to trust their “gut” and reassures them that their voices matter. Being able to deflect approaches in public not only means understanding your personal style, but it also means you are willing to step out of your comfort zone.
Lastly, it’s a wonderful practice for parents to stop, observe, ask their children to check in with themselves about what they need, and share it with their parents. That’s a valuable skill to have, no matter what your family dynamic.
These are conversations we can practice and will take time to get right, as we build our skills to help support our kids so they thrive. That’s a tall order, but with practice, it can be done.
