The Tail Doesn’t Wag The Dog
I have heard a lot of great quotes since I became a parent. This one was said to me by a well-meaning friend who was not parenting yet. I had been sharing some struggles I was having at home with my young child’s meltdowns. This friend heard the descriptions of my child’s “tantrum” behavior and suggested I needed to be more firm in my role as boss. “Get big,” he said. As if the primary issue with my child’s behavior was that I must be continuing to let him “get away with it.”
Now if you know me, you know I can do big. I have big energy. I like things to go smoothly. I had no problem “taking charge” of situations with my child. Here is the thing though. Big energy from me when my child was upset inevitably led to a bigger upset for both of us. It backfired royally. He dug in and fought harder. I failed more. We both escalated.
Kids from hard places, or kids who have trauma histories, often have a quick-to-ignite fight or flight systems. When they sense danger or agitation, it’s almost as if a switch flips (and not always consciously) and their nervous system goes into protective overdrive. It’s brain science. This can mean flight, flight, or freeze responses that are rigid and dysregulating. The perceived threat of my “bigness” meant my child’s defensive system was ready to rock and roll. Over the years I learned a lot in my office and in my living room. The classic approaches to behavioral change didn’t really work as often as I was taught they should. To save parents and clinicians time, here are two quick tips to de-escalate situations with kids in full meltdown.
The story parents tell themselves about WHY a kid is behaving the way they really shape how a parent responds. If we tell ourselves our children won’t listen to us or are choosing to be defiant then we are more likely to try to bark our children into submission through gritted teeth and with righteous determination. If you are hearing yourself think “They shouldn’t be this upset”, stop and pause. Time convincing children that they shouldn’t have the feeling they are having when they are agitated is often time not well spent. Imagine that your child CAN’T do what is being asked, rather than WON’T do what is being asked. Notice the story you are telling yourself about your child’s behavior. Is it blaming or shaming of you or your child? Or does your story recognize your child needs more help doing what is being asked, and managing big feelings? Staying curious about a child’s behavior, and seeing yourself as a helper can calm agitated situations.
Rather than getting bigger, try getting smaller. To be clear- I don’t mean to become a doormat who never sets boundaries with your children. I mean notice what your body language communicates to a child who is in fight or flight tantrum mode. Leaning in and raising your voice tells a child’s nervous system to buckle up and prepare for mounting danger. Instead, lower your voice and rock back on your heels. Take deep breaths. Sit or kneel. And although it sounds quirky, try turning your palms up. Take a stance that receives and cools energy, rather than meets and feels upset. These approaches utilize our understanding of the way sensory and nervous systems work. They de-escalate tension and allow a child’s frontal lobe to re-engage. Their danger center can stand down.
If you can do these two things you will be able to stay calm, and you will model patience and regulation for your child. Teaching your child to stop an escalating tantrum situation and soothe themselves is much more important in the long run than simply teaching compliance. Being able to stay connected, and caring, while your child learns to regulate is an enormous gift for you both.
