Steps for Talking to Children About School Safety
This blog post is aimed at giving you steps for talking to kids about school safety and what to say to your kids about school safety and recent events. Conversations around school safety and the recent event in Texas don’t get easier but are more and more necessary. So how do we as parents and caretakers talk to kids about this scary topic? This week I’ve created a step-by-step how to talk to your kids about school safety guide for parents.
Sometimes for parents it’s even hard to stay hopeful, positive, and moving forward in the face of random violence. Violent acts happen internationally, nationally, and in our communities. These tragic events are in some ways like natural disasters tsunamis, earthquakes, and tornados. But they also feel very different because they seem truly random. We can watch the weather and stay out of a storm, but as of now, we can’t predict a random shooting.
So how do we talk to our kids, reassure them, and keep moving forward in our lives? Here’s my step-by-step how to guide.
Find a quiet time. Depending on the age of your child find time for a one-on-one conversation. If you have children of multiple ages, it may be important to talk to kids individually so you can address their specific needs, thoughts, and fears. Other families may be comfortable discussing this around the dinner table. It really is based on your family’s interaction patterns and the age and sensitivity of your child/children. Walks, car rides, and other quiet activities are great times to have these conversations. You may want to avoid bedtime as it can give your child more time to sit with their feelings and thoughts and let worry grow.
Plan and practice what you are going to say. Script out what you are going to say and practice in front of the mirror or with a co-parent or trusted friend. Role plays seem odd or like it’s taking too much effort but time and time again you will get good feedback on wording, pacing, and language that can help you identify problems and improve your discussion. Plus, this activity can help you lower you stress level. Your child will see that you are comfortable and this can help them feel less stressed about the discussion as well.
Especially for ages 7-8 and older, ask, what are you hearing? Did you hear anything at school? In the news? If they say no, then transition into the conversation by saying you wanted to make sure they know what to do if there is an unsafe situation at school. You do not need to tell a 7-year-old that there was a gunman in a school, just ask them about safety they’ve practiced at school, who are their safe people? Review your family plan, how you will communicate and where you will meet if there is an emergency.?
Don’t wait for your kid to bring it up. Your kids are likely hearing information at school, with friends, from media and may not mention it to you. Don’t wait for them to bring it up, start the conversation.
Find out where they are hearing their information. Have you talked about it at school/in class? Make sure they have correct information.
A hard part of these conversations can be managing your child’s stress around safety. The goal is to manage kid’s stress by making things understandable and expectable. Review safety plans and how your child and you will respond in an emergency. Discuss family values and talk about gun violence, if age appropriate, and how you feel about gun access. Make sure not to label assailant(s) as having a mental illness. Reiterate that these events may take place because of cultural forces and gun laws but also individual factors impulse control, judgment, history of trauma. Most people with mental health concerns do not enact public acts of violence. Don’t tell your child that this person had a mental illness because children will associate this with mental illness. Be clear that not everyone that has trauma and loss do these random acts of violence. Expand the conversation to say, I wish I knew why this happened and we understood how to fix this issue. How do you answer why people would do that? That’s a great question, and you can answer that we don’t always know why. You may talk about guns and possibly gun control if that is part of your family values. You may explain that the government may need to figure out better gun control and on a personal level this person didn’t get the help they needed.
Ask you kids if they have questions. What if they ask, will this happen at my school? Simply share that it does not happen at most schools, that you hope that your school does a good job of keeping up with kids who have a hard time, and stress that the school has safety plans. You may want to bring this back to what the safety plans are. What kinds of drills do you do? Do you know why we do safety drills? And the reasons we have drills is because if there is an emergency your body will go into autopilot, and you will know what to do and when to do it if you’re practiced. You can add that they at your school have done everything to put together good safety and safety plans.
Ask who is your safe person? Who do you go to if you don’t feel safe? If there are rumors or have heard something that a person is talking about hurting people, ask them to tell the safe person or you. Who is that safe person to tell to get people help before others get hurt?
Make sure that you are modeling the fact that you are having feelings too. It is okay to name the feeling, and talking about it, and important to show that you are not letting it debilitate you? Say things like, It is scary for me., or I don’t like to watch the footage, or I am sad and I do worry but I remind myself that we can use all our safety plans. Make sure to focus on the solution and that worry doesn’t solve things and that you and your family will think being safe and using our safety plan.
Don’t use exact words like shooting. Use words like emergency and stress instead of shooter and trauma because the exact words put kids/people in fight, flight, or freeze mode.
Tell the child that you’re going to be there for them and that you’re going to know the safety plan and go about their days as normal. You’re going to do fun things and keep doing all the schoolwork and normal things we do. Stay in the moment, plan a fun activity for after the discussion.
What can kids do? Taking action helps kids feel in control. Ask them what they think they can do to help. Write a card to the school about safety, write a letter to the congressman/woman if you have an older kid. Taking action puts them into mode of being part of the solution. Look to helpers and be a helper. Draw a picture to mail/send. Draw a picture of their teacher. Write a song, poem, send a card, based on age of child. Think about what can they do to feel powerful. Coming up with concrete advocacy or condolences steps can help. If you are faith based family you may offer prayers.
Don’t focus on media coverage. Stay informed but don’t repeatedly read or watch coverage. Watching media coverage can keep your feelings stuck. Turn off screens and connect with family.
Ultimately you want to remind kids that grownups are doing the best they can to make it right. Help kids decide on actions steps they can take to help them feel in control and powerful.
What to do if you kid shuts you down? Emphasize that it is fine if they don’t walk to talk about the issue. But explain that you’re having feelings about the event and are (worried, sad, concerned) and want to check in with them and make sure they remember safety plans. Perhaps say, here’s what I want you to know and tell the succinctly what you’re feeling and thinking. Tell them to make sure to have a person they trust to talk to. Describe that you want them to know for you and imagine it might to be hard for them. Stress that they can come talk to you when they’re ready or about any issue or feelings that may come up.
In summary find a quiet time, prepare and practice your wording, ask what they know, where they hear things, what they are hearing, what they think about the issues, and listen, listen, listen. Normalize feelings, say I don’t know if you don’t’ know, talk about family beliefs, encourage advocacy and coping with intense emotions. Be mindful of language when you talk about emergency school and family plan. Focus on that it helps to have a plan so if something happens, we know what to do. Say you hope to be a part of preventing scary events and take an action step if they’re open to it. Most importantly, tet back to here and now and re-engage them in normal play, school, and life.
In health,
Laura Anderson
Dr. Laura S. Anderson specializes in educating and supporting families, as well as clinicians who support transracial adoptive families, across the globe to overcome barriers, derive strength from their differences, and thrive. She is a dynamic advocate for multiracial families and a strong advocate for supporting "third culture" children and families who may need support with the stressors associated with living out of their countries of origin.
Contact Dr. Anderson here.
