Coping with Grief When Your Child’s Path is Unexpected
As parents we have many worries and fears for our children. Will they succeed, will they be happy? A universal feeling for parents can be loss of an idea of a future for our children or a type of relationship we wanted with them. Many parents may experience this but for parents of kids on a gender diversity journey this may be especially true.
Not all parents of gender diverse kids will experience sadness over their kids’ transition, but some will. Today’s post is aimed at helping you name this loss and giving pointers for working through it. Some young people and parents report feeling as if the child they had is gone, or has “died.” Yet, most do not report this experience. Things have changed and perhaps they’re on a different path than what you expected. This may leave you feeling grief for that lost idea of a person or lost experiences that you thought you would have with that person. Pauline Boss created the term ambiguous loss for types of loss when the loved one is still present but part of them is gone. This can show up in two ways.
Physical absence and psychological presence – To take an example from a transgender child, it may be that a parent is grieving the loss of the body you once knew your kid in. Their body may look, feel, and even smell dramatically different, and it may be hard to see them as the same person.
Physical presence but psychological absence – When a kid transitions from one gender to another you may feel the loss of the psychological/emotional kid you knew. If a teen goes through puberty on testosterone, this can result in changes in self-esteem, the child may become more aggressive, confident, be less emotional, and the parent may grief how they knew their kid and how they relate to their kid or miss the person/personality that their kid was before.
Grief may also be felt for a less daunting, seemingly smoother life that a cis-gender non gender diverse child may experience. But whatever you are grieving for know that it is normal to experience this loss and sadness. So how do you deal with your feelings over your child’s transition and still show up and support them? The most important thing is to get support for yourself. Find a friend, fellow parent, support group, or therapist who can help you through these feelings.
What you don’t want to do is overwhelm your child with your feelings. It may be okay to express you’re sad because you’re afraid for what their future may be, and you worry that they’ll experience discrimination and rejection. But don’t saddle your child with the burden of being the cause of your sadness. Perhaps express a small part of it but also stress that you will be there for them, and you all will be there for each other to work through whatever may come.
Sometimes when kids are experiencing gender dysphoria, distress or impairment related to desire to be another gender, it can be because they fear letting their parents down or causing the family more stress. Kids in places of gender dysphoria may experience depression and are at risk for suicide ideation and suicide attempts.
Remember, you can grieve the expectations that gender expansivity has changed for you, without grieving WHO your child is. Celebrate they have the courage to name it for you.
My take home message for parents in this blog is to recognize your feelings of loss, discover where they’re coming from, what they’re rooted in and to get support around them so that you can be a support and champion for your child, wherever they are on their journey.
To learn more you may want to listen to my most recent podcast with guest Lisette Lahana where we talk more about normalizing the idea of the loss of your kid not being who you imagined who they would be.
In health,
Laura Anderson
Dr. Laura S. Anderson specializes in educating and supporting families, as well as clinicians who support transracial adoptive families, across the globe to overcome barriers, derive strength from their differences, and thrive. She is a dynamic advocate for multiracial families and a strong advocate for supporting "third culture" children and families who may need support with the stressors associated with living out of their countries of origin.
Contact Dr. Anderson here.
