Challenges in Parenting Different from How We Were Parented
First time parents are faced with the obstacle of navigating not only what parenting styles work for them and their child, but also the feedback they receive from their parents and peers. Often, parents will find themselves actively straying from the path their parents took. It is easy to revert back to what you know even if you have the intention of breaking the cycle.
This week I spoke with Erica Orosco Cruz, an early childhood development expert and parent coach. Erica started working with children as a teen and now owns a nursery school which serves children from six months to six years and incorporates the RIE method and Waldorf teaching method. She is a parent with kids ages two to twenty-five. Her passion is helping parents and her school champions the Waldorf theory whose approach to learning is that the arts are as important as reading and writing in learning. Waldorf is a play-based learning philosophy that spans to six years of age when letter learning begins. At age seven seems delayed but the children get a love of learning that creates skill for learning and empowered students. The RIE method is focused on zero to two years and is based on the idea of respect for the child. With the RIE method you talk to the child and explain what is happening and what you will be doing with their bodies which creates a foundation of mutual respect and an ability to connect with others in a respectful way.
Erica and I talked about how to stay the course with your parenting beliefs when there is parental or outside pressures or when you are questioned on your parenting choices. It can be hard to practice your convictions when you’re struggling or if there is overwhelming talk in opposition to your parenting choices.
I asked Erica what kind of support and what can parents do to stay the course with their parenting choices? And how can we support them? What can parents use as touchstones to continue with what they know to be right or best for their children.
First, become comfortable in your own skin. This can take a while to own but if you truly believe that you are doing the right thing for your kid(s) and family and are willing to stick to your convictions then this will come naturally.
When you have doubts ask yourself why you are parenting the way you are? Are you doing it for your child because it benefits them? Center yourself so that you remember what works for you and what course you are on and why.
Find friends and people who support and affirm you.
If we are wavering, we are teaching that to our children, so staying the course and having the inner conviction to stay the course not only helps yourself but also your children. They will see your steadfastness and be able to feel safe that they know the rules and can predict what is coming.
I also asked Erica what is the sweet spot between being steadfast in your convictions but flexible to adapt? Erica was the rigid parent who was not going to waiver on her methodology/convictions with relation to her child’s treatment. She asked people to respect her practices but allowed them to have their own personality. She explained that you don’t want your kids to be in a bubble, you want them to have those real life experiences, especially when they are still with you so you can reflect and give them support.
Her takeaways for parents were the following.
When parents are striving for a different method of parenting it is easy to let the pendulum swing too far. If you had overbearing parents, you may be more likely to be a no boundaries parent. But there is a middle ground of showing respect for kids’ feelings without having them be disrespectful to you or overrunning your boundaries.
Kids need for parents to be in charge while being respectful of their feelings.
Kids need some agency. But if they think they are running things they actually become more anxious because kids aren’t sure where the boundaries are and they don’t feel safe. Then their behavior can get out of control.
Think: Is this going to be cute in 5 years?
There is always a sweet spot between being the facilitators and setting boundaries but letting them act within that. When kids are scared and don’t have boundaries, they act out.
To hear some real-world examples and tips, listen to my podcast with Erica here or on your favorite podcast channel on Real World Parenting podcast with Dr. Laura Anderson.
In health,
Laura Anderson
Dr. Laura S. Anderson specializes in educating and supporting families, as well as clinicians who support transracial adoptive families, across the globe to overcome barriers, derive strength from their differences, and thrive. She is a dynamic advocate for multiracial families and a strong advocate for supporting "third culture" children and families who may need support with the stressors associated with living out of their countries of origin.
Contact Dr. Anderson here.
