Parenting Tweens
Last week I talked with Dr. Annie Chung about parenting tweens on my podcast. Dr. Chung spent twenty years in a middle school serving kids ages 11-14. She had a lot of great information about kids’ development during this time period and tips and scripts we can use in our day-to-day interactions with our kids.
I say “our” because I too am a parent of a tween at the moment. So, when I say I’m in the trenches with you, I really am in the thick of it as well. And yes, while having the book smarts to deal with a tween is an advantage, the actual day to day, when your kid is yelling in your face about how their friends get to have their devices in their rooms and why can’t I, tends to get a little trickier.
Between ages 11 and 14 their brains are developing just as much as between the ages of 0 and 3. Think about how much an infant’s brain develops in three years. They learn to track, to mimic facial expressions, to say their first words, to crawl, to walk, to run, and so much more.
During the “tween” ages of 11-14 your kid is adapting and learning about their world. They are integrating new adult information, reacting and acting with other kids and adults, exploring new interests, figuring out who they are and being exposed to new privileges, school routine, their changing bodies through puberty, whirling hormones, as well as the brain development. There are so many physiological changes during this period, no wonder they are playing with puppies one second and dressing like they’re 18 the next.
There were a couple of major take homes during our conversation that I wanted to highlight about how to talk to and listen to your tween.
1. Ask open ended questions in safe, neural spaces. Be sure to ask neutral questions. Instead of: “What is that kid doing, he should be XYZ”. Try: “What did you notice about that interaction”.
2. Listen and HEAR what your kid is saying to you. Be an active listener.
3. Reflect back to them what you heard them say. This can sound like: “I hear you are frustrated about x, that sounds very challenging”.
4. Don’t try to jump in and fix things. Affirm their feelings and ask what they want from you and how you can help.
When you try this reflection the first time you may get weird looks or odd reactions from your tweens. But when they get that you are being present for them, hearing them, and being open to what is going on with them, the results will be phenomenal.
There is so much more to share about navigating the tween years from making sure to foster positive people, building foundations for connection, offering boundaries and frameworks so they stay and feel safe, to how much to share about our “adult” world, how much space to give your tween, and how to keep sharing your family values with them. Listen to the podcast here for all this and more.
In health,
Laura Anderson
Dr. Laura S. Anderson specializes in educating and supporting families, as well as clinicians who support transracial adoptive families, across the globe to overcome barriers, derive strength from their differences, and thrive. She is a dynamic advocate for multiracial families and a strong advocate for supporting "third culture" children and families who may need support with the stressors associated with living out of their countries of origin.
Contact Dr. Anderson here.
