Specific Scripts and Tip for Gender Identity Conversations

This week I’m expanding on the last blog post, How to Help a Child Exploring Gender Identity. In that post I presented gender identity definitions and outlined roles of parents and professionals in a child’s gender identity journey. Today, I’m sharing specific tips and scripts you can use when your child tells you they may be questioning their gender identity, language to use to keep the line of communication open, and initial ways to support them in their gender identity journey.

First, know that every gender identity journey is different and individual to the child or teen. When a child tells you they’re thinking about a different gender identity path it is important to stress that you cannot make or force a child into thinking about themselves as one gender or another by supporting their journey. Some kids will be on a gender expansive path for a while and ultimately decide it’s not for them. But for the vast majority of kids that are questioning their gender identity, it is a true communication that their internal felt sense of gender doesn’t match the way others are reading them. This is not to say that all of them will identify as transgender or have gender transformations, but they will develop clarity about their internal felt sense of gender, and the ways others can support them. 

Children learn about gender in two ways. First, internally through how they feel in their head and heart. How they feel about their physical bodies and how they want to project themselves, which way of showing up feels right to them. Second, externally, through how others react to them, the feedback they are getting from their world. They will take in these external cues and decide whether they make sense or feel right for them.

As parents we have lots of fears. Especially if our child is exploring an avenue that may be challenging and fearful for us, we may question whether they can know they are on a gender identity journey. We may want to shield them from bias or be fearful that by supporting them we’re pushing them in a certain direction. All these are normal reactions for a parent. And parents need space to process these feelings so that our feelings don’t dictate a path for our kids. 

When a child comes to you and shares that they may want to use different pronouns or that they see themselves as a different gender than the sex they were assigned at birth, it is important for us to set aside fears and be supportive.

First, breath. Take a few seconds to center yourself. Second, affirm what you are hearing them. Say: “I hear that you’re wondering, or questioning, or exploring.” Use their own words back to them. Then tell them you’re glad they feel comfortable talking to you about this. Tell them that this is important to you and that you want to understand how they’re feeling. You might ask them to explain how they feel, why they’re thinking this. Then offer to support them by educating yourselves together and seeking out resources that will help them in decision making.

A good resource for more help on this scripting is my Parents Don’t Panic video (hyperlink)?. You may want to seek out a professional assessment for your child from an experienced psychologist who specializes in gender identity. They will learn about your child’s decision making style, talk to your child about experiences and thoughts, and help them and you with next steps on this journey.

Sometimes a child will want to be recognized with a different pronoun because they feel it fits them better. A good initial step for the child and family is to decide to use this pronoun at home or in family conversation first. This allows the child to see how it fits.

The best thing you can do for your kid is learn with them and support them. Give them messages that they can be trusted to know what they feel is right for them, and that you will help them figure out their journey.

The Parents Don’t Panic, my most recent podcast on this topic, GenderSpectrum.org, and my video courses are great resources for kids and parents. If you would like an assessment or consultation, contact me.

Be well,

Dr. Laura Anderson

Dr. Laura S. Anderson specializes in educating and supporting families, as well as clinicians who support transracial adoptive families, across the globe to overcome barriers, derive strength from their differences, and thrive. She is a dynamic advocate for multiracial families and a strong advocate for supporting "third culture" children and families who may need support with the stressors associated with living out of their countries of origin.

Contact Dr. Anderson here.