How to Help a Child Exploring Gender Identity
There is huge buzz in the media about gender exploring and gender expansive youth. And perhaps this is unsettling or alarming if you have young kids or teens. Today’s blog post is aimed at getting you information about some key concepts. We will talk about gender expansive behaviors and the differences between gender expression and gender identity. I will offer ideas for how you can help your child if they signal they may be on a gender journey of some kind.
First, let’s talk definitions. At birth, babies are assigned to either the female or male sex/gender based on physical anatomy. There are many stereotypes about what females and males should look like, as well as expectations for in what and whom they should be interested. In the old days we used to say that a child’s gender was “in their parts.” Now we have a better understanding that a person’s gender is known to them “in their heads and their hearts.”
Gender identity is an internal sense of how male, female, both or neither, a person feels. Gender expression is how they express their internal felt sense of gender identity. Gender expression is how people present to the outside world. Gender expression usually includes things like style of dress, use of make-up, nail polish, hair styles and lengths, and other things that have been heavily coded in our culture to suggest maleness or femaleness. When we really think about it, it makes no sense that colors are considered gendered, or that one length of hair signifies identity, but as I often say “its the water we swim in”. We are raised with almost unconscious automatic associations between maleness and femaleness and how males and females “should” behave, communicate, and choose activities.
A cisgender person is a person whose internal felt sense of gender lines up with their sex assigned at birth. A transgender person is a person whose internal felt sense of gender is different from their sex assigned at birth. A transgender male is a person who identifies as male but may have been labeled female at birth. Some people also identify as non-binary which means they don’t feel comfortable identifying either as male or female. Gender expansive is a term used to describe a person whose behaviors, choices and identity are broader than what is expected based on their sex assigned at birth. I use the term gender expansive to communicate with parents when their child is exploring, but we don’t know exactly what terminology best describes their identity.
Often times sexual orientation gets confused with gender identity. Remember that gender identity is how male or female, or both or neither, you feel in your head and heart. Sexual orientation is to whom we are sexually and romantically attracted. Transgender people can be heterosexual, gay, bisexual, pansexual. Your attractions, or who you like, and your internal felt sense of gender, who you are, are two different things.
The most important thing for parents to know is that gender expansion is not contagious. There has been a lot of attention recently in the media to this idea that transgender identities are a result of fads or trends, or that children think this is what they are because they get the idea from their friends. Some kids and teens explore gender expansive identities as part of figuring out who they are, but ultimately grow up to identify as cisgender. But many kids and teens need support because they are clear that their gender identity is not what is expected of them based on their sex assigned at birth. You can’t falsely create a transgender identity by affirming your child. More harm than good is done by convincing yourselves and your child that their gender identity journey isn’t real, or is a fad, or is a phase. Many of the statistics of higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidality for LGBTQ+ youth are because young people do not feel validated and supported by parents.
It is really important for families to seek out qualified health and mental health professionals if their child is experiencing gender identity related distress. The role of mental health support professionals should be to assess and listen, but neither to decelerate or accelerate the journey of any child. The greatest protective things that parents can do is stay curious and seek help.
So what should a parent do if their child expresses they may be gender expansive? First breath and check your bias. For many this can be a scary moment. Even the most loving and caring parents have fears about their child being identified as part of a minority group that experiences bias and mistreatment. The best thing to do for your child is affirm their feelings and thoughts and educate yourself about gender expansive youth and their journeys. Children, parents, and families may want to seek assessment and support around how to talk to each other and how to make decisions about gender identity.
On my most recent podcast, I talk about gender identity in more detail. Listen here and seek out resources such as GenderSpectrum.org if you are looking to expand your knowledge in this area. Also, mark your calendar for next week’s podcast when I’ll talk about how to talk to your kids about pronouns and much more.
In health,
Dr. Laura Anderson
Dr. Laura S. Anderson specializes in educating and supporting families, as well as clinicians who support transracial adoptive families, across the globe to overcome barriers, derive strength from their differences, and thrive. She is a dynamic advocate for multiracial families and a strong advocate for supporting "third culture" children and families who may need support with the stressors associated with living out of their countries of origin.
Contact Dr. Anderson here.
