It's Parenting, Not Curling
We all know that an empty pitcher cannot pour. On a very related note, there is a reason the emergency directions on an airplane include putting your own oxygen mask on first before putting the oxygen mask on your child.
We hear this all the time, and yet as parents, we struggle to make time for self-care. Sometimes we get feedback from partners or bosses or friends that we are being “selfish” or “high maintenance.” Yet- a lot of the time, we are our harshest critics about the need to push pause and take time to be self-indulgent. We hold a judgment that being a good parent means putting most other people first. And the more we can multitask, the better.
Recently, I had the joy of interviewing a friend of mine from graduate school for my podcast. Dr. Rachel Mitchum Elahee and I laughed and groaned about the importance of practicing what we preach when it comes to self-care as parents. She and I also talked about how one of the greatest ways to loosen the pressure grip on our parenting steering wheels is to recognize that the idea that you are not in control of the outcomes of your parenting choices day to day. Yes I said that. A great way to relax and breathe is to recognize that you are more out of control than you think. How can that be comforting?
Imagine for a second that you recognize you are brought together in time to join a child on their journey. You are a pivotal part of that journey, but it isn’t yours. And you can’t always chart the course you want your child to choose. Recognizing that we are the bumpers on the bowling lane of our child’s lives can help us exhale and trust the greater process. When we don’t feel tied to making every perfect parenting choice every day, so that every possible opportunity will open up for our children, then we can actually sit back and learn from, and with them.
Danish psychologist Bent Hougaard coined the term "Curling Parents" to refer to those parents who try to sweep away all obstacles in their offspring's path so that their child can go through life without the slightest bump. And I’m here to say it’s okay to let them hit bumps. So take a breather.
This week, imagine what it would look like if you modeled taking care of yourself for your children. If you taught them that you need time for yourself to replenish and recharge. That you need friendship fun, or retail therapy, or to charge up a mountain and breathe hard.
Teach your children first to recognize what they need to feel good, and second to trust that carving out space for self-care in the midst of caring about, and for, others is perfectly healthy. These are tremendous gifts to offer ourselves and our kids.
For more concrete ideas about self care and recognizing when you're gripping too tightly, have a listen to this podcast episode with Dr. Rachel Mitchum Elahee.
Dr. Laura Anderson
Dr. Laura S. Anderson specializes in educating and supporting families, as well as clinicians who support transracial adoptive families, across the globe to overcome barriers, derive strength from their differences, and thrive. She is a dynamic advocate for multiracial families and a strong advocate for supporting "third culture" children and families who may need support with the stressors associated with living out of their countries of origin.
Contact Dr. Anderson here.
