Holiday Hope In Adoptive Families
My family has notorious Christmas tree dueling drama. Anyone who knows us, knows that the adults in my house and the children in my house have very different expectations and ideas about Christmas decor and rituals. And it led to one particularly train-wrecked pre-Christmas evening. I learned, again that year, that holidays can be an interesting time for adoptive families.
The holiday season highlights values related to family, rituals, and belonging. Expectations for connection, laughter, history, sharing, and family stories are high. There are two main reasons why holidays can be hard for adoptive families: Overstimulation and Complex Feelings.
For children and teens who have experienced attachment loss or early trauma routines provide safety and predictability. Holidays usually blow routines right out of the water. People sleep less, run more errands into crowded places, eat differently, and try to manage their children around groups of people they don’t see all year or haven’t seen for years. Our senses are bombarded during the holiday season with new sights, smells, sounds, and schedule changes. All of these things, plus the expectation that kids will behave well during strings of events, can often be a recipe for disaster for young people who need predictability, rest, routines, and balanced parents to stay regulated.
Additionally, holidays are a time that many adoptees are reminded of loss. Their rituals have changed. Maybe they worry about first/birth family members (that they know and don’t know but wonder about). Maybe they are separated from siblings. Maybe it is hard to hear all the remarks about the biological/genetic family similarities (“Doesn’t Tommy look just like Uncle Bob!”) or find it hard to be in the racial minority with adoptive family members. Holidays can bring many reminders of what used to be (both positive and negative) as well as highlight differences for adoptees.
When you combine overstimulation and grief, guilt, and loss, sometimes there are fireworks. And rigidity. And a lot of fight, flight or freeze happening in amongst the peppermint bark and caroling.
This is an invitation for adoptive parents to
Slow down and center your children’s needs
Make a plan to limit stimulation.
Plan to arrive late or leave early.
Pack familiar food.
Decide if you will talk to loved ones ahead of time, and share that you need to do some things differently this year.
Make quiet time to connect
Ultimately, make space for all of your childrens’ feelings, and as always, continue to look beyond your child’s behaviors and ask yourself what they need to regulate and blend old and new rituals with you.
For more concrete tips about handling the holiday season, check out my latest podcast interview with Mike Berry from Honestly Adoption.
Thanks for being here.
Dr. Laura Anderson
Dr. Laura S. Anderson specializes in educating and supporting families, as well as clinicians who support transracial adoptive families, across the globe to overcome barriers, derive strength from their differences, and thrive. She is a dynamic advocate for multiracial families and a strong advocate for supporting "third culture" children and families who may need support with the stressors associated with living out of their countries of origin.
Contact Dr. Anderson here.
